Formulae for Writing Romance Novels

Part... um... three, probably.

The plot

The plot is largely irrelevant and serves only as a backdrop for the sexual tension inevitably building between the hero and heroine. They should meet coincidentally, as she is taking a wild and society-disapproved, unchaperoned horseback ride across the countryside. He can see her from afar and learn about her and her tragedy form his friend or butler, or he can be conveniently but not suspiciously close at hand when her horse unexpectedly throws her, or her or her cruel and capricious employer (if the heroine is a poor, misunderstood girl working long, tiring hours as a drudge to keep soul and body together, etc.) throws her out on the street after blaming her for something the heroine, of course, never did.

The hero comforts the heroine without undermining her feminine power, and at this point it is permissible to introduce the first sex scene. Done properly, it should take close to ten pages to describe first the desire building within each character, then moving on to those first tantalizing touches and significant looks. Every thought, movement or feeling should be recorded precisely, using prose so ornate as to bleed into the realm of bad poetry. (It should also be noted that the hero not have any difficulty, no matter now potentially humorous, in removing the heroine's bra/corset/knickers/shift/undergarments of choice.) Build up to the moment with as much excruciating and time-consuming detail as possible, then break off with a single poignant yet pointed sentence, such as Mariella didn't sleep a wink, but she had never spent a better night, or Christianna had never imagined that being bad could feel so good. Something trite and cliche usually works well, as the drama has lodged itself in the reader's mind and needs only the merest nudge of suggestion to hurtle into personal fantasy.

From this point forward, whether the two have been together (never use such crass terminology like the f-bomb; this purports to be a love story)  or not, the plot is even more unnecessary and its various twists (nothing too unpredictable) serve only to mark time until the two can be together (or be together again, as the author decides). This is where references to steamy, passionate, sleepless nights should be inserted, as well as a sense of contentment in the heroine and an acknowledgment on the hero's part that married life would perhaps not be unbearable.

Finally, the tensions is wholly resolved whent he hero vows to take care of the heroine, possibly giving up his previous philandering ways. They will get married (sunset weddings atop a rocky crag or moonlit-beach weddings are appropriate here), and if the heroine has been of the poor-but-plucky variety, she instantly matures and makes an intuitive, capable partner for her new husband. The rich-and-bored variety of heroine suddenly finds her life full of meaning, and although she swore never to be merely a man's wife, realizes that she enjoys caring for her husband and competently, if slyly underhandedly, managing their shared affairs. The hero, while never before a man to stay with a single woman, becomes monogamous overnight and never so much as looks at another woman without comparing her to his wife and declaring his wife the most beautiful/intelligent/gracious/understanding/all-around-best woman to be had. The two should discuss these life changes, using them as metaphors for various activities, while in bed. The end.

The language

The language of the romance novel should be overwrought to the point of ridiculousness. Push the prose so far into bad poetry it makes Vogons sound like Shakespeare. If a single sentence in the novel sounds like it might be something a rational human being might say in everyday conversation, it must be rewritten. Description should be ornate, thorough, and full of entendre. Only the most shameless of readers should be able to read the back cover without blushing. This is a perfect example.

Note: we of BC will not be covering fantasy romance novels, partly because we start laughing too hard to type when we think about it, and partly because it's already been done, and beautifully so.