Formulae for Writing Romance Novels

There are a lot of people who enjoy romance novels - the stock characters, predictable plot, language that is both flowery and insipid, and overwrought sex scenes are just a few of the many attractions offered by Harlequin novels and their insidious offspring - but sometimes they just don't click right. Maybe the heroine's name sounds weird, or she meets her hero in the same place the reader went for her honeymoon with that first husband, the one we don't talk about any more, the one who... you know. In any case, with the guide published below and in the previous post, it is now possible to write a fully acceptable, yet completely personalized, romance novel. If the author follows these guidelines, the novel will be published by any major publishing house specializing in smut and related genres*.

Once again, this author is grateful to Therese for her assistance in explaining the various particulars of romance novels.

To pick up where we left off, once the author has introduced the heroine and alluded darkly to her tragedy/mysterious past/need for adventure/etc., it is time to introduce the hero. He absolutely must be darkly good-looking, with tousled brown hair and deep brown eyes. If he has to be extraordinary in some way, give him green eyes, but if he has green eyes, the heroine can't, unless they're Irish or Scottish, in which case the heroine must have red hair. It's complicated, so a flowchart may be useful for these situations.

Back to the hero. Under no circumstances should he be anything other than dangerously handsome, with a 'winning smile' and possible slightly lupine teeth. There is a fine line, however, between lupine and lycan, and unless the novel is of the supernatural romance variety, it is advisable to stay well away from any suggestion of lycanthropy. Perfect, defined muscles are an utter necessity, and it is encouraged to have them gleam. A chiseled jaw is also required. He should be clean-shaven, so that the tanned smoothness of his Italian-sun-darkened skin can be more readily admired. Scars are optional, but recommended. The hero should be able to pick up the heroine easily and shelter her in the strength of his manly, exquisite arms, but it should not be uncomfortable for the heroine to fall asleep on his rock-like chest. the resolution of this impossibility is left to the author and the wilfully suspended disbelief of his audience.

The hero's name is unimportant, but a more common name than the heroine's, something in two syllables or less, easily gasped by a breathless lover, is best. 'David' seems to work quite well for most novelists. Finally, he should be a man of honor who has had a troubled past, and may still be what is termed 'a rake,' although once he meets the heroine he should thrill her with his exploits and win her love with his vow to give up such reckless pursuits. He must be ready at all times to either defend her honor, or make sweaty, passionate love to her, or anticipate and provide for her every need. The hero should never, ever appear to be weak in any way.

Join us next time for a closer look at the intricacies of romance-novel plot and language.

*Not an actual guarantee. Author accepts no responsibility for, well, anything.