Formulae for Writing Romance Novels

with input from Therese

After resolving various internet-related issues (i.e., not having any), jemmo is pleased to present for your reading pleasure and writing education, Formulae for Writing Romance Novels. We will begin with Formula #1 (not Formula One, like racing cars): The Traditional Romance Novel, Also Known as Harlequins.

Part 1: the heroine

Start with a description of the heroine, appearance first. She can have any color hair, so long as it is full, gorgeous and undyed. It should probably be curly, and has to fall at least to her waist. She can occasionally complain - in a coquettish and ladylike fashion - about the difficulty of keeping it maintained, but it can never look anything less than breathtaking, and on the night of the Meeting (more on that later), it has to be stunning.

She should be full-figured, with a DD-cup (though it should never be described in such crass terms - phrases like "heaving bosom" are much more appropriate), correspondingly round hips, and an impossibly tiny waist. Alternatively, she could be an ethereal waif of a girl, but a substantial chest and corset-cinched waist are mandatory, as are dainty feet. Her hands should be slim and graceful, no matter what her profession (if any. Duchesses make good Harlequin heroines).

And her eyes. Spend a full page on her eyes, which sparkle with life and wit. For brunettes, they should be brown, and blondes blue, but if the heroin needs some extra exoticism, make them green. Redheads get green eyes regardless, because redheads are exotic in their own right. Her skin should be porcelain-pale; it makes blushing easier and prettier. A brunette can be dark-skinned if she must, but not so much she couldn't step seamlessly into High Society.

So much for her physical description. Character-wise, she must be a strong woman. Maybe she's had to take over the family business/estate after her father died, or perhaps she's had to make her own way in the world, caring for an invalid sister after their rogue of a brother (yes, phrases like this are both fitting and necessary) left them so suddenly, suspiciously suddenly, after their parents' death. Or perhaps she's a wealthy duchess (or margravine, for those who prefer more flowery titles), bored with her lot in life, yearning for a little illicit adventure. If the bored duchess/margravine needs a flaw, she can be a little clumsy, but only daintily and endearingly so. *A note on the word "illicit." This word can be the most valuable tool in writing a Harlequin, but only if it is not overused. Apply it sparingly and with proper supporting context.

Finally, the heroine's name. It should be long, exotic, and for preference a combination of other names. Sacharissa, Katriona, Mariella, and Mellisandra are all good names. As demonstrated, her name should end in an "a," if at all possible, although "e"s are acceptable as well. Her middle name should be Rose, unless she's a duchess (or margravine) in which case she can have up to five equally flowery and complicated middle names. If the heroine is not a duchess, her last name should be something simple and pronounceable, but not overly common. Avoid short vowel sounds and harsh consonants. Something like Gale or Blaise works well. If the heroine is a duchess, however, her last name absolutely must be long and hyphenated. Fotherington-Halliore and Ellicott-Chatham come to mind as suitable names for a ducal family.

As a last note, the duchess heroine must be titled. Lady of the Something Rather, Grand Mistress of the Whatsits-type thing. It's these little details that the readership truly appreciates.

Please keep in mind that the links within this post may be NSFW, and they are almost entirely to heroines or characters that are not Harlequin-cannon-approved, largely examples of How Not To Write A Harlequin Heroine. Click at your own risk. We hope you have enjoyed and benefited from this explanation of the Harlequin heroine. Join us next time for an exposition of the Harlequin hero.